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PART 11 ---> WHITE FLAG I used to love this song by dido. it talks about persisting and sustaining amidst the impossible. pero ngayon i dont know how long i can hold on to this..this meaning the ten entries i wrote before this. i feel like giving up. well, actually, im trying to give up. i dont know if im going to shake my head later on or laugh at myself pero im really tired na. at hindi ko na talaga maintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang totoo. so rather than wear myself out trying to figure it out, strike out ko na sarili ko. parang im just running around in circles nitong mga nakaraang months. been crying again, and ive got to stop. i refuse to be a second option. i refuse to drag myself into this. i refuse to let myself demand and expect things that will suddenly turn meaningless with one snap. i dont know...siguro if someone can prove otherwise what i have analyzed i could reconsider. but it will take a lot of convincing...which i wont probably wont get anyway.
Part 10 --> LIKE WHOA!!! hehe borrowed that from enoch's journal. pero that was what i felt when yesterday happened. THE BIGGEST TURN ON IN MY LIFE. i have to really bask in the feeling because it was totally unfamiliar. and it all started happening before i realized it was there. unfamiliar? actually, it felt absolutely and without a doubt comfortable but it was unlike anything i ever experienced before. GRABE.that was all i could say. my heart was in my hands. pero the catch is, nothing has changed. lets just say that its another part of the same level. but its ok, because i know not everybody else will experience that rush (suddenly a*teens sugar rush started playing in my head). hayy...sinking into cloud 9. watta guy...
Part 9: PUTTING ON GLASSES If I hang on to this happy feeling maybe I would find it hard to separate from it. Hmm… sometimes you feel so wonderful, but I know I have to stop myself and guard my heart. Stop Claire. I have this emotional pair of glasses that I put on in times like this. That shuts reality out and turns everything into a fairy tale. Forcing myself to not put them on would require super human strength, and Im praying to God earnestly at the moment, before He forcibly removes me from the situation, or worse, from that person’s life. That would be terrible. I need to be careful.
Part 8: EYES, EARS AND THE HEART SHUT If only I could do that. If only I can force myself not to look at events, people, and things that hurt. To just stop reading, looking, hearing, and feeling. This is really self-torture I had placed upon myself of a long time. Why in the world am I still doing things of the sort? Kills me every time. Hmm…kasi sometimes u just gotta know. It’s a sort of obsession, something that I’m not proud of. I want to know. Even if it hurts I want to. That’s why it has become for me a self imposed quest for the truth, for every single thing I could find in connection to a single subject. Stories, pictures, journals, profiles. To know where I stand. To know what to feel. And I hate what I’m feeling right now. The feeling of defeat for an unspoken competition with a lot of people. I never knew how many are out there, but I’m certainly not in the winning ranks. We really can’t control hearts can we? It is not some vehicle you can steer towards whatever we like. And like my heart, it refuses to be directed towards a calmer, more realistic disposition. Talk about stubborn, and why of all things? Drives me absolutely crazy.
Part 7: ABANDON SHIP ---> Smooth sailing as of now, but my question, UNTIL WHEN?, still remains. The feeling of being happy, but still not completely. That is what has been going on in my head, in my life. Will I be left stranded when the time comes? Or will there be someone else for both of us as we journey to our destinations? Will our destinations be the same? If we go our separate ways, will our sails cross again? So many what ifs. Destiny would not give a clue what will happen, and just like the open sea, it is unpredictable. As much as the ride now is perfect, there is fear in my heart that pretty soon, the waves will get bigger, the clouds will darken, the wind will start to blow really hard. This vessel will toss and turn, and someone will jump overboard. Too pessimist, this mind. Always focusing on the bad weather. Maybe its because im used to it. In fact, I almost expected it. Love, at this point in my life, has taught me that it has no guarantees. Even if I put my heart on the line and give my all. Storms will come. And as for the previous passengers on the ship, they have come and go. Jumped at the first sign of trouble. I was left all alone in the open sea. So I find it hard to believe that this is different. Things have been pretty turbulent from the start. We really havnt begun sailing yet. But too much baggages aboard, we might sink. Hay, the journey will be long and hard. Will I be willing to take the risk, given the odds that exist?
Part 6: THE SHELTER ---> When you get yourself caught in the middle of the pouring rain, the first thing to do is run for cover. Recently I have found myself in this situation, and I have sought refuge and shelter. But I soon realized that the rain does not fall on my head alone. Someone has come looking for the same thing, comfort and warmth amidst the turbulent storm. I soon realized, being soaking wet and cold from the rain is not something to be happy about, and more than anything, you would want somebody to share it with. I have found my company in misery. But until when? My greatest fear at this point: What if the sun started shining once again? People do not want to stay inside when the weather is perfect. Deep in my heart, I wished that in would never stop raining, that the storm will go on and on so that we can stay in the shelter forever. But a part of me could not bear seeing him cold and miserable. The rain can do that to us sometimes. Force us into despair and depression. But that’s just the thing. I cannot control the weather. I can only hope that when the sky clears, I will not walk out alone.
Part 5: ONSTAGE DRAMA ---> The stage is set for heartbreak. The characters have been selected. Everything’s in its place. Everything, everyone, but me. I’m a newcomer to the cast, and not everyone thinks I’m welcome to stay. Somebody’s afraid I might steal somebody else’s part. Another would say I belonged backstage. But life, the director, demands that I find a place in the production. I chose a role, one of the leading ones in fact, but I feel out of place. I know I deserve it. I know I would do a fantastic role playing the part. But something’s not right. The lines keep on changing. Sometimes it dates back to good old Shakespearean romance, full of sweet nothings, chivalry, and the promise of a happy ending. Then suddenly, without me knowing, it turns into the classic plot where the orphan gets trampled by everyone. I get shunned away. Sometimes I’m in the lead role, only to be swapped by another (who in my opinion is pretty lousy) whenever she feels like it. My mind is swarming with chaos. Where do I really belong? Life keeps pressuring me to take my place, it find my spot and do a good job with it. My fellow cast members are not helping, they have an offstage drama on their own. Too busy with their own hearts to worry about mine. So I took the lowly role. The trusty sidekick, the comic relief. A lot of people think it’s the role destined for me at this time. I was once there in the limelight. I felt it. But perhaps, as of now, I would only dream of it. That is all I can do for now.
Part 3:ON ASKING TOO MUCH AND WHAT FATE TEACHES US ----> hmmm… decide Claire. Be happy or miserable? Siyempre the ideal answer is obvious, but..? I don’t know if I’m completely happy…because something is not completely free. And I don’t know if it’s something to look forward to. In some other perspective, this is perfect. A non-relationship. Give and take. Total care and concern. Its almost but not quite. Leaves a lot of room for things that I still want to do. A lot of people will be content with it. In fact, a lot has longed for it. Nothing more to ask for. But in my mind I want to ask for something more, something that I know I can never have at this time. Time does not permit me to know when, or at least give me a hint if ever something will definitely happen. Am I asking too much of what I should have at the minute? Am I being too rash and impatient? Am I being greedy for wanting something more of the beautiful thing I hold in my hands now? Please fate, just give me something to calm my heart. Arrgh. The agony of waiting for something that may or may not happen. Buti nga if its inevitable and only a matter of time. But sadly, my dear, fate does not grant such requests. To have you take a peek of what may happen so that you can prepare yourself for heartbreak or rejoice in advance for an impending share of bliss. It simply teaches us to quiet our hearts and hope for the best, to trust and have faith that sometime, somewhere he will come and sweep us off our feet. That’s the thing with love I guess, it takes you at the time you least expect it. To carry you off into the sunset before you ever caught yourself going through the process. So here I am, like some deserted princess locked in the tower, waiting for true love. A lot have come to me, which I assumed to be the hero, but turned out to be an ogre or a new form of villain which will again lock me in a more hard to reach tower. But I won’t lose faith in true love. He’s out there, somewhere. Or he could be right here.
PART 4: SOMETIMES I'M NOT CONTENT ----> I don’t know if I should be expecting something for the things I am doing. Bad, right? Because the truth is, I am doing all these not because I want something to come out of it, but because I want to. Because it is what I feel is right. And don’t get me wrong, I am overly cautious about sending the wrong signals. And I know, that I am receiving pretty much what I asked for. That’s the thing I like about the situation. Everything is absolutely mutual. Well, not everything. Still with other details I have chosen to lock away in my heart. Hay, I am complaining about things I already have. Count your blessings. You already have so much.
Part 1: THE BATTLE ---> I don’t know how long I will be able to write about this pero il try to let it all out on this journal as much as I can. What is this battle? Wala lang. Something I made up in my head again. Something I have absolutely no control over. Ok, I may be able to do something about this pero I wont. And I guess I cant anyway. Maybe sometime in the future this will be something I would laugh about or wishfully think of as something I would have changed but as of now its just something I would put into writing. I would rather type away than let this stuff blow my head up. Don’t know nga if im being pathetic, but in my opinion im not. Kaya nga I’m doing this kasi I wouldn’t want anything to change right now. I am a coward. And I settle for what is here now. So more than anything, this is a battle of my mind and me.
